Fred and George's Dirty Mind
by Prissy and Bregan
Summary: ONE SHOT How do Fred and George take it after spying on Hermione and Sirius during their cooking lesson?


Main Characters: Hermione, Sirius  
Genre: Humor  
Length: over 2000 words  
Oddities that MUST be included:  
-That doesn't go in there.  
-You aren't supposed to shove it in so hard.  
-See, that helps lubricate it.  
Hermione gives Sirius a cooking lesson and some overhears them.  
Date to be Completed by: July 11

When I saw this, I thought, how hilarious. I'm not part of the contest, but followed all the rules anyway.

2,099 words!

"Blow out the candles, Ron!" Hermione said, laughing. Ron tried to blow out his blue candles on his birthday cake again, and failed. The candles kept bending over, every time he blew.

"Come on, Ron," Harry yelled, "You can do it!" Everyone chuckled and Ron glared at Harry, before trying once again to unsuccessfully blow his cake out.

"I can't do it!" He yelled, "Damn candles keep bending out of the way!"

Everyone laughed raucously and the two culprits, known betters as Fred and George, stepped forward.

"Bendy Lights! In stores now!" George said, holding up a package, "You can also custom order them, if you wish!"

"Like we custom ordered Ron's to blow up in his face-" Fred started

"What!" Ron yelled, and everyone backed up from the cake. Well, except Ron. He was smart, but not that smart when it came to cake. He was more bloody possessive and a Neanderthal around cake. Not a magic Neanderthal, but a muggle one.

"Right about now," George ended, glancing at his watch. Sure enough, a BOOM was the result of a charred looking Ron, with his eyebrows gone. The cake, however, seemed to be untouched.

"No damage is done to the cake, but we can't vouch for the birthday boy," George added, smiling, "Or girl, if you're judging by their emotions,"

"You know, I wished for one day without the two of you doing something!" Ron yelled, upset. Still, he was eating a piece of cake. Also, he had wished for food, not Fred and George getting off his back.

"Well Ronniekins," Fred said, "You aren't supposed to tell people your wish,"

"Duh, and now you'll never get it. Shame," George added, smiling,

"Well, technically, he never blew out the candles," Fred pointed out, "They just blew up,"

"Point taken," George said, grinning

"Whose birthday is it next again?" Fred asked, "Just in case for another, harmless demonstration that includes actually being able to make a birthday wish,"

"If you don't tell other people," George added

"Like Ron," Fred finished, and they both grinned

"Uh, I think Harry's," Molly said thoughtfully, "Is that right dear?" She asked, looking at the black haired boy.

Harry thought for a few seconds, "Yeah it is. Huh, I'll be 21 soon," He shrugged and ate a piece of cake, "What's the big deal?" He pushed up his glasses.

Ginny rolled her eyes, "Harry, being 21 is way cooler then being 20. You can legally drink Firewhiskey in any country,"

"Or rum," Bill said, "Firewhiskey's got nothing on good old fashioned rum,"

"And a bottle of Chardonnay," Fleur added, "Firewhiskey is so vulgar, but I can tolerate rum,"

"You're speaking better English these days, Fleur," Ginny said

"Well," Fleur smiled, "Bill did teach me all he knows,"

"Don't worry," Fred said, "_That_ we actually believe,"

"Shut up, you two," Bill said

"Someday those dirty minds of yours are going to come back and bite you in the ass," Fred's Angie warned

"I'd love for something to bite me on the ass," Fred winked

"Back to the subject!" Ginny yelled, "Harry's birthday,"

"Well, this year is different," Hermione said, continuing Harry's line of thought, "You have a girlfriend and a family around you, plus the whole Voldemort dead thing," She teased, "We'll have a big party for you, Harry,"

Harry smiled, "I'd like that," He said honestly

"Good," Hermione hugged him.

"Will you be in need of some Bendy Lights?" George offered, "We won't bomb them, but-"

"We might jazz them up a bit," Fred added

A month later, with Harry's birthday less then a day away, Hermione was running around, trying to perfect everything. Ginny and Harry had left a week ago on a vacation to Bermuda and weren't arriving back home until about noon tomorrow. Hermione had thought that a kickoff with brunch lasting all the way to midnight would be good.

"Hermione," Sirius found her, and smiled. He had finally cut his hair, but it was still shaggy and below the ears, and she was relieved to see that it looked like he had shaved that morning-a rarity.

"Sirius," Hermione said, "Is there a problem?"

"I want to make Harry a cake," He said, excited, "Only-" He bit his lip, "Remus won't help me and I need someone to make sure that I made something edible. Can you cook?"

"Not in the slightest," Hermione admitted, "But I'll pick up some cake mix and icing on the way home and help you then,"

"Great!" Sirius smiled and hopped off, practically dancing. Hermione laughed and walked away, grabbing her purse.

They hadn't had cake mix, so Hermione had just grabbed chocolate, flour, sugar, butter, eggs, vanilla, and oil, plus the icing. Her mother had a few recipes that Hermione had handy. Plus the house elves were planning to make a fancy three tiered cake with Harry's favorite flavors, carrot, strawberry, and mint ice cream.

"Sirius!" She yelled, putting the two bags on the counter. The elves, she knew, were in the other kitchen, known as the real kitchen. This one served as a makeshift with a small refrigerator and oven plus stovetop.

"Cake!" Sirius hopped down and seeing all the ingredients, his face fell, "That looks hard,"

"It's not," Hermione insisted, "My mum used to make it all the time when I was a little girl,"

"My mum used to scream all the time when I was a little boy," Sirius said, in a wry voice

"Well, I wasn't such a prat when I was a little girl," Hermione pointed out, smiling, "Now, go wash your hands, Mr. Cook. And I'll get aprons," She walked over to Dobby's kitchen for aprons and came out, with four or five more then she needed. They were all a little small and cheesy.

Sirius laughed when he saw her wearing the apron that said "KISS THE COOK". Hermione scowled

"It's the only one that would fit," She threw a flowery one at Sirius, not in the mood to joke around. Things like school, such as potions, put her in a school mood, and cooking was a lot like potions-at least to her.

Fred and George came into the front entrance, needing a few guinea pigs for their latest tweaks on the Extendables Ears. They heard Hermione and Sirius from the kitchen and got some devilish smirks on their faces.

Jamming the devices in their ears, they leaned against the door to the kitchen.

Inside, Sirius was adding a few tablespoons of something from an unmarked bottle. Hermione spotted him and her eyes grew wide.

"No Sirius! Bad Sirus!" She said, slapping him lightly, "That doesn't go in there! _This _does!"

Fred and George's eyebrows shot wide up.

"Probably something not dirty," George said

"If only," Fred joked, "Just imagine our Hermione with Sirius!"

They both laughed quietly

Hermione handed Sirius a wooden spoon.

"Now you can go crazy," She teased. Sirius grinned

"I've been waiting to do this all day,"

"I can imagine," Hermione said thoughtfully, watching him, "No Sirius, not like a circle. Whip it! Go on, yes, like that, whip it!" She said, happier with his handstrokes now, "Yes, yes, yes,"

"Good god," George mumbled, "Fred, do you think?"

"Naw," Fred said, but all the same, neither of them barged.

"Good, oh we forgot about this!" Hermione said, glancing at the eggs, "You wanna do that or should I?" She asked holding up one of the eggs, "You have had experience doing this, right?"

Both twins snorted

"If he hasn't, I'll be so shocked, my eyes will be the size of Ron's," Fred mumbled

"When Mum told him why girls had breasts and boys didn't, right?" George added. Both twins snickered,

"I wanna do it!" Sirius said excitedly, "Like this?" He asked, motioning that he was going to strike the bowl.

"Yes, perfect," Hermione nodded, "Careful though, Sirius, you only have two," She warned. Sirius had cracked the egg, but also struck it so hard, that the egg was now pretty much part of the bowl.

"Oh Sirius!" She yelled, "You aren't supposed to shove it in so hard!"

"Whoa," Fred mumbled, imagining something that would have his mother rolling over in her grave had she known what he was thinking. God forbid she die.

"Look at me!" Sirius yelled, "My hands are all wet!" He held them up, a big yolky mess.

"Wow," George mumbled, eyebrows raised, "That's a little questionable,"

"I'll take care of that," Hermione said, charming it away, before rolling her eyes, "Will you be careful this time?"

"What in the hell of kinky sex practices are they doing?" George muttered

"No idea mate, but we should take notes, eh?" Fred asked, jamming the Extendable farther in his ear.

"Pervert," George told him, not really meaning it. Fred knew that and grinned.

"I don't know, Hermione," Sirius said, stirring the mix, "It seems a little dry,"

"It's too dry for him now?" Fred asked, "Good god in heaven,"

"There's only one egg, Sirius," She said, still ticked off at Sirius' treatment of the last egg. It was a silent agreement that she would crack the next one.

"Hang on, let me try," Hermione said, taking the spoon, "Oh, Sirius!" She groaned, when he refused to let go, or even move, "Just for a few minutes,"

"Damn, Hermione's kinky," George said

"Hermione, this is mine," Sirius held up the wood spoon, "And I deserve to use this as much as I want. You can't just grab it and take over! It has feelings, you know?"

"Right on, Sirius," Fred said, and George nodded.

"Fine," Hermione said, annoyed, "I'm sorry for grabbing it. But we need to do something about this problem,"

"Maybe he ran out of the little blue pills?" Fred suggested, "I think it's called Viagra?"

"Huh," George said, thoughtfully, "Didn't think Sirius needed to take pills like that,"

"You're the female! You do something about it!" Sirius said

"Fine," Hermione sighed, "Just stroke it gently, Sirius, and I'll try to get it wetter,"

Fred and George were starting to wonder just how they were doing all these things that the twins were imagining.

"See!" Sirius beamed, "That helped lubricate it! Now we can finish!" He stirred harder

"Don't get crazy now, Sirius," Hermione laughed, "It's not a toy,"

"George," Fred mumbled, "Is it wrong to divorce Angie and convince Hermione to be my new wife?"

"Yes, because I have firsties," George said, "Plus, Sirius isn't a commitment fellow,"

At the finishing result, Hermione smiled and poured it all into the trey.

"Perfect Sirius. How about making this a weekly thing?"

"Next time, I'm bringing Remus," He said, "I like to show off,"

"Yes," Hermione laughed, "That much is true. I'll bring Lavender along. She's wanted to do this. I'll help her, of course, like I helped you,"

"Some help you were," Sirius said, "I could've done it myself, with one hand, easy," He bragged

"Whatever. Do you want some of Fred and George's thingies?" Hermione couldn't remember the real name for the Bendy Lights and Fred and George were a tad unhinged at this point.

"Why not?" Sirius said, "I liked them at Ron's thing,"

"Oh God," Fred mumbled, shuddering, "Doesn't marriage mean anything these days?"

"I can't take it anymore," George walked in, ears red. Hermione was fully clothed, along with Sirius, but they both were licking the leftover batter, from the bowl.

"Cake batter?" Hermione offered, "Sirius and I just finished baking a cake for Harry,"

"A cake?" George asked

"Chocolate," Sirius said cheerfully, "We ran into a problem when I accidentally ruined one of the eggs,"

"I used some milk and hopefully it'll even out," Hermione explained, "If not, well Sirius and I gave it our best shot, huh?"

"Oh yeah," Sirius smiled, "Did you need something, George?"

"Bendy Lights!" Hermione said, remembering the name, "That's what the thingies are called! I think I'll get a few harmless ones for Harry's cake,"

"George!" Fred walked in, hearing everything, smiling, "Angie called. She wanted us home before noon. We best go,"

"Y-uh yeah," George said and they both rushed off.

"Wonder what that was about," Hermione commented, "They look like they've been freaked out and disappointed at the same time,"

"They probably saw their sister's boobs and thought it was some hot chick's at first," Sirius said

"God, are all men as dirty as you?" Hermione asked

"No, but that was how I looked during the same experience. Only it was Tonks,"

"This has got to be the most lewd conversation I've ever had with you," Hermione sighed


End file.
